Occupational Hazards

If I had my druthers, those tedious conversations about someone else’s workday would be eliminated entirely, but until I can find the appropriate words to end such relationships (ya know, with employed people), their inane daily musings will continue to be met with feigned interest and the attempt to mute the severe annoyance in my tone. 

 

I will admit, that somewhere deep down, this sheer hatred of job talk is probably a direct result of that twinge of jealousy I might feel towards the gainfully employed, knowing that they like, “contribute” and “enjoy more than one hour of daylight.” Still, enough is enough.

 

I don’t regale you with elaborately uninteresting anecdotes about dryer sheets, the television remote or the amount of static cling my couch has, so I’m not really sure why you would even consider sharing with me, that painfully banal story about the copy machine and fax machine going haywire on the same day! Annnnnddd as far as your “co-workers” go, unless they’re a combination of straight crazy and unmedicated, selling quality narcotics or sexually active with YOU, then I don’t think I really care about Todd’s dog dying or Sheila’s miscarriage. 

 

God, can’t you just leave work at work? 

 

Obviously, there are always exceptions to the rule. There are many careers I find to be of utmost interest and think that I could gain great pleasure from their daily details. These occupations include only the following: psychiatric hospital security tape watcher; hallucinogenic drug tester; diet soda flavor creator; serial killer; and Oprah Winfrey. 

 

Fortunately, between TLC, A&E and the Food Network, I can get my sick fix of almost all of the above, in my own office–that brown plush couch that my remote is always getting lost in, that has so much static cling not even a dryer sheet could remedy the situation! Even Harriet (my coworker who is a blatant racist and in the middle of trying to sell her dead uncle’s entire estate on craigslist) and Lupita (who barely speaks English but is a real wiz with a vaccuum) tried to de-static the couch and when they couldn’t, we toooottally chilled in the break room until Cornelius (that guy that used to be homeless but through this great work program is able to perform custodial work at my office for well under a living wage) came and took care of it. It was like, the craziest work day, ever!

 

Uuunnnnfortunately, Oprah’s “Oh!” channel is less about Oprah’s daily routine, and more about maintaining a saucier, less campy version of Lifetime for me to hate myself for watching.